Miscellaneous Briefs

Sunday, 6 July, 2003, 12:11 BST

Bull!

Protestors of many nationalities gathered this week in an unusual demonstration against bullfighting in Pamplona, Spain. They took part in what was known as the “human race”, alongside the traditional San Fermin “bull race”, running naked around the town with placards in various languages to try and attract the attention of journalists. Police had declared the protest illegal, however, and hemmed in the activists, grabbing anyone who came over the line. “That was my favourite bit!” explained Police Chief Roger Bighouse, “I’ve not done any front-line work for ages, but I just had to pop down to the front line with a transparent shield and a digital camera this time!”
A few protestors were briefly arrested, but quickly released after Police couldn’t work out how to strip-search them.

Found!

A copy of Passenger was discovered, abandoned last Tuesday, after a suspected thieving attempt at the Pickstock Publishing Corporation, home of KTAB News. The edition was this one you’re reading now, and, when found, had been dubbed “The most secret secret in satire coz no-one reads it.”
Marvin Wilcox, discoverer of the manuscript, immediately rang the first newspaper that sprang to mind – oddly enough, this one. Sounding slightly shifty, he described to our reporter how he had found the document “Somewhere, somewhere in a field in Hampshire...alright?”
However, experts from the KTAB News copyright infringement division dismissed the suggestion the paper had been leaked. “It’s a damn good forgery,” they admitted, “but it’s not Passenger. I mean, look, it’s got jokes in it.”

Fishy!

A talking fish predicted the apocalypse last week, to the shock and horror of a New York fishmonger. “He told me that it was all going to end!” the stunned chap told the Passenger talking animals correspondent.
In a statement, George W. Bush told the American public the full text of the fish’s speech: “He sayed thaht Gawd is on the side of the Unahted States, and thaht all you doubters should be quiet, for the end of Saddam is nigh.” When our correspondent tried to contact the fishmonger to confirm this, it was discovered that he had abandoned his job, and put his shop on the market in the name of a Mr. D. Rumsfeld, leaving no forwarding address.

Sex!

There has been criticism abound of sex education this week, with the introduction of a new course for 14- and 15-year olds which features sections on masturbation and oral sex.
“It’s just not graphic enough,” said Clare Timkins, a randy schoolgirl from Dorset, “If we’re supposed to get the best out of these ‘positions’ we’re taught about, we need pictures!”