Politics Briefs

Thursday, 31 July, 2003, 21:47 BST

Ssshhh!

Tony Blair today revealed the fact he can face any question, and fend off any criticism regarding Iraq, Alistair Campbell, the failings of his Government and the connection between him and the tragic sudden death of Dr. David Kelly. At a press conference he was asked, by a KTAB reporter if he was aware he was “almost certain to fail in his attempts to get the public to trust him.” With almost no pause for thought Mr. Blair cheerfully replied “Shut up, or I’ll have you shot,” before amending his comment to “Shush.”

Censored!

Tony Blair, and the British Ministry of Defence have been fighting tooth and claw this week, in a bid to block transmission of a BBC documentary, showing life at the Al Jazeera news station during the Iraq war. Despite the fact every news station in the world was happy to show disturbing and “sickening” footage of Iraqi POWs, dead or mutilated Iraqis and George Bush saying how right the USA is, Blair was reported to think three-second-long blurry footage of dead British soldiers should not be shown by a “respectable, autonomous news station.” The PM apparently explained his objection on the grounds that “No British troops were hurt in the war, and certainly not by the competent US soldiers. Our boys brought liberty to a nation under a tyrant that rose up the second we crossed the border to overthrow Saddam. None of our squaddies were killed and we and the US are going to leave ASAP, and not even take any oil, or anything.” Medical experts claim to have “strong evidence” that Mr. Blair caught ‘Comical Ali Honesty Disorder’ during his recent visit to Iraq.

Short-changed!

Clare Short finally resigned her post as a Government Minister, as a result of “bloody stupidity” on her own part. A spokesman told the press that Miss Short “intended to pursue other interests, like ‘having a say in how the country is run’, which El Presidente... I mean, ‘Mr Blair’, never let her.”
A top political pundit has commented that the effect of the resignation will probably be negligible. “She was only a token female anyway,” he explained, “And a completely indecisive one at that – will resign, won’t resign, threaten to resign, don’t resign, will resign, do resign!” Having finally stopped using the word ‘resign’, he continued; “The final self-inflicted insult is that she resigned over something so obvious – everyone knew that the US would try to nick all the oil anyway!”

Resignation!

The British public was today said to be “considering its resignation from its own government” following the declaration of war. The move should come as little surprise to Tony Blair, as the Public threatened to resign some weeks ago, if a second UN Resolution was not passed.
Some cynics think that a Public decision to resign would merely be an attempt at a leadership challenge in a post-Blair era. The challenge being to find someone capable of leadership to put in charge of the country.

Policies!

At the launching of the Conservative Local elections this weekend, some bald guy told a stunned audience that the Tories only expect to gain 33 seats - which he blamed on the fact that the Labour Party “Has consistently used its policies to make elections unfair. Just because they have policies, they think they can govern better than the quarter of this party that agrees with me can!”

Protests!

A million protesters streamed through the streets of London on Saturday, to protest against the Government’s support for a war. Spirits were high: “This is brilliant,” roared some bald nutter who claimed to lead the Tories, “If the public are so set against Labour supporting a war, their bound to vote for us and our policy of ‘stuff inspections, let’s kill ’em all now’!!”

Misleading!

Downing Street was forced to admit that some of the information being handed out by the government was misleading. “Some elements, of our report,” said Tony, in a press statement, “May, or may, not have been, copied from the back of, the packet of a popular breakfast, cereal.” He said that his chief spin doctor, Alistair Campbell, had first stumbled across the information source when his children were “trying, to collect, all eight homicidal dictator figurines”, the latest ploy from RicinO’s to try and sell some of their ever-unpopular cereal.