Science Briefs

Thursday, 17 July, 2003, 13:12 BST

G.M.NO!

After damning charges by MP Michael Meacher, the biotech industry is doing its best to remove its image as a provider of unsafe ‘Frankenfoods’.
“All we’re doing is modifying foods against all kinds of thing which slow their growth,” explained pro-GM campaigner and biotech bigwig Roger Bighouse, “This maize here produces insecticide which zaps any bugs which try to eat it, and these potatoes kill off weeds growing near them. The next step is to make this barley here combine-harvester-proof. Any we’re working on a type of soya which secretes cyanide, and kills off any pesky humans who try to eat it. That way, nothing will stop the plants producing bumper crops, year after year!”
Bighouse also denies Meacher’s comments about inadequate testing. “We know full well that our crops are working, through extensive human trials. We even lost a peckish work experience kid to the soya the other week, it’s well deadly!”

Moral!

There has been debate amongst fish this week about whether anglers can experience rudimentary emotions such as annoyance, boredom or displeasure. “I’ve been comparing results with some trout who have been performing experiments on whether or not they could piss off anglers,” explained one carp, “We ignored the bait, tugged on the hook and splashed water, to see what the humans would do.” A copy of the fishes’ paper, leaked from the pond, showed that evidence was inconclusive; after translation, it read “No matter what experiments were performed, the silly buggers just sit there! Fishermen have no apparent intelligence, emotions or anything.”