Sport Briefs

Everest!

Mount Everest could shortly be only the second highest peak in the World, after hundreds of climbers, sightseers and well-wishers climbed the five-mile-high behemoth to mark the fiftieth anniversary of the first ever ascent.
“We’re really worried about erosion in Nepal,” explained a Sherpa, “It only takes me eleven hours to climb the peak now, breaking my previous record of twelve and a half, and it took Hillary and his team weeks!”
A number of multinational companies have made bids to turn Everest into various things, with suggestions ranging from ‘Everest-Disney’ to a nuclear bunker for President Bush to hide in whenever a terrorist goes near an American landmark. “Nice an’ handy for North Korea, too,” explained Bush.
Conservationists worry that Everest will no longer be available to enjoy in centuries to come, going the way of the dodo, the rainforests and the Conservative party.

Marathon!

After the serious competitors had wasted a few hours of their lives running the London Marathon, it was time for the general public to give it a shot. As usual, there were a series of silly costumes, including giant furry animals and the like. However, the prize for silliest costume must go to Clare Timkins for her costume; a large, metallic, streamlined suit with what observers described as “Four wheels, and an engine - that, or some very throaty panting.”
Clare completed said 26 miles in two hours, fifteen minutes and twenty-four seconds, which is bloody quick for an untrained lardarse but, observers noted, “Bloody slow for a Ford Mondeo.” As well as annoying competitors by beating them, Clare annoyed supporters by failing to wave, but argued “There’s a load of other wazzocks running this. If they want to waste their energy, fine. I need both hands to hold the wheel and change gear.”

Horseplay!

Horse-lovers, horse-owners and posh gambling addicts across the country were gearing up for the Grand National on Saturday, as the bets were laid down at Aintree. Passenger talked to a ‘Fiscal Equestrian Race Outcome Analyst’ (bookie) who said that the most likely outcome was that “The favourite would win, unless some other horse beats him to it.” The favourite was said to be Wessex Ferry To The Isle of Wight at 2-1, closely followed by Random Ninja Queen Assyria III and Skinny Dipping In A Field of Corn, at 4-1 and 3-1 respectively. Passenger is keenly awaiting the outcome of the event, not least because Bernard placed all our wages on Lord Custard Vat at no less than 450-1 on. Lord Custard Vat came in 43rd. 43 ran.