Sunday, 9 February, 2003, 20:10 GMT
Welcome to the Red Planet
The substance even looks red under an electron
microscope, which cannot detect colour.
The substance even looks red under an electron
microscope, which cannot detect colour.
British scientists have created the “reddest surface ever” if claims by Professor Francis T. Bargle and his team are proved correct in tests later this week.
“If you think sunburn looks red,” he told a press conference, “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. This stuff is 258% redder than red paint, and over 3000% redder than blue nail varnish.”
The substance has been dubbed ‘Red Herring’ by the team which created it, after rejecting suggestions by a local paint company to call it ‘Intense Sunset’, ‘Summer Tulips’ or ‘Erotic Pink’. While precise details of its manufacture must remain secret until a patent is granted, Bargle was willing to give away a few hints; “There’s some lipstick in the mixture, a bit of shoe polish and about three pints of pig’s blood.”
Bargle foresees myriad uses for his mysterious red substance; “I’m getting on a bit,” he told our correspondent, “And my hair has needed a bit of sprucing up for some time now. This super-red substance could be just what I need!” He also thinks that Red Herring would make a fine paint, industrial surface coating or eye shadow.
The super-red surface coating is currently very expensive, costing somewhere in the region of £500 for a 3cm plate, or about £3000 for highlights, a rinse and a blow-dry. “Cost is still very much an issue,” said Bargle, stroking £1000 in cash from someone who wanted a very red model racing car.
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I’ve only seen colours this intense whilst on acid trips!
Following this success, the team have plans to develop super-intense varieties of every major spectral colour. Their next projects will include ‘Deep Blue’, ‘Ultra Violet’ and ‘Mellow Yellow’.
However, industry experts remain sceptical. “I’ve used red paint for thirty-one years!” claimed a man in the pub, pompously, “And I've never needed it to be redder than it is at the moment. Damned if I'll be buying this stuff.” Regardless of opposition, however, Bargle is determined to press on with the project. “As long as Grange Farm don’t realise their pigs are missing!” he added.
