Thursday, 31 July, 2003, 21:47 BST

Ssshhh!

Tony Blair today revealed the fact he can face any question, and fend off any criticism regarding Iraq, Alistair Campbell, the failings of his Government and the connection between him and the tragic sudden death of Dr. David Kelly. At a press conference he was asked, by a KTAB reporter if he was aware he was “almost certain to fail in his attempts to get the public to trust him.” With almost no pause for thought Mr. Blair cheerfully replied “Shut up, or I’ll have you shot,” before amending his comment to “Shush.”

Thursday, 17 July, 2003, 13:12 BST

Foundation!

In a new scheme announced this week, the government have promised that any hotel with a five-star rating can apply for ‘foundation hotel’ status. This would entitle the hotel to certain privileges, such as increased bookings, better caterers and the satisfaction of bankrupting the B&B down the road.
Owners of small hotels are outraged by the proposals, claiming the government should stick to what it’s good at, and screw up the NHS instead. “Our waiting lists are short enough already!” complained a hotel owner from Oxford, “The Government interferes with tourism far too much already. They’ll be banning punting next!”

Thursday, 17 July, 2003, 13:12 BST

G.M.NO!

After damning charges by MP Michael Meacher, the biotech industry is doing its best to remove its image as a provider of unsafe ‘Frankenfoods’.
“All we’re doing is modifying foods against all kinds of thing which slow their growth,” explained pro-GM campaigner and biotech bigwig Roger Bighouse, “This maize here produces insecticide which zaps any bugs which try to eat it, and these potatoes kill off weeds growing near them. The next step is to make this barley here combine-harvester-proof. Any we’re working on a type of soya which secretes cyanide, and kills off any pesky humans who try to eat it. That way, nothing will stop the plants producing bumper crops, year after year!”
Bighouse also denies Meacher’s comments about inadequate testing. “We know full well that our crops are working, through extensive human trials. We even lost a peckish work experience kid to the soya the other week, it’s well deadly!”

Sunday, 6 July, 2003, 12:11 BST

Bull!

Protestors of many nationalities gathered this week in an unusual demonstration against bullfighting in Pamplona, Spain. They took part in what was known as the “human race”, alongside the traditional San Fermin “bull race”, running naked around the town with placards in various languages to try and attract the attention of journalists. Police had declared the protest illegal, however, and hemmed in the activists, grabbing anyone who came over the line. “That was my favourite bit!” explained Police Chief Roger Bighouse, “I’ve not done any front-line work for ages, but I just had to pop down to the front line with a transparent shield and a digital camera this time!”
A few protestors were briefly arrested, but quickly released after Police couldn’t work out how to strip-search them.