Sunday, 23 February, 2003, 22:36 GMT

Kissing survey results released

Life imitates art: according to this study real people kiss, just like these stone ones

A rather dirty scientist revealed results of his study this week, which involved concealing himself in public places and waiting for people to snog. Professor Francis T. Bargle revealed that almost 100% of people kissing do so by tilting their heads, and pressing their mouths together.

This confounds a previous survey Bargle conducted at a teenager’s disco which led him to conclude that the majority of those kissing underwent a complex pre-kiss ritual of giggling, bashing noses, removing their spectacles and sitting on them, and then running away as they got caught by their own girlfriend.

Bargle announced his survey as “A great leap forward,” adding that “In fifty years time, this survey will be invaluable for showing how scientists spent all their research money and reveals why sales of binoculars have risen by 3% in the last year!”

Bargle’s results, however, turned out not to be conclusive - though 95% of couples behaved as previously stated, 0.33% continued kissing for over an hour (later discovered to be an anomalous result, caused by an unfortunate practical joke and some ‘superglue toothpaste’), while a further 3% broke off kissing to hit the professor and scream for the police. 1.66% of those Bargle watched refused to kiss in public, even when Bargle offered them money. And then hit him and called the police.

Despite two missing teeth, a serious head wound and a total of five black eyes, however, Bargle is determined to continue his research. “My next study is going to be significantly more complex and significantly more dodgy,” he explained, “And I’m not going to reveal my precise hypotheses lest it distort the results. However, I can say that it will involve snooping around bedrooms observing ‘positions’.”

The police will be watching Bargle closely, particularly with the mysterious appearance of www.professorbarglesnaughtypics.com this week. “It’s nothing to do with me!” said Bargle, tucking a brown envelope marked ‘photos’ into his coat, “You won’t tell anyone, right?!” Our correspondent says Bargle was ‘relieved’ when he was told of Passenger’s small readership.