Monday, 14 April, 2003, 10:50 BST

Concorde Fleet to be Grounded

For twenty years, engineers claimed the droopy nose cone was a ‘design feature’

It was announced last week that both British Airways and Air France are withdrawing their Concorde aircraft from service on the grounds that they’re “Not made by Boeing, and humiliatingly fast compared to a 747.”

“The Jumbo Jet is now our flagship aircraft,” explained portly Director Roger Bighouse of BA, “Because we can fit more Americans on board.” He proceeded to mumble something about Concorde having an appalling safety record by way of justification.

The main reasons for withdrawing Concorde were financial, said Bighouse: “They cost an absolute fortune to run, and even at three grand a ticket, we’re running at a bit of a loss, here.” There was speculation that EasyJet were starting a takeover and makeover bid: “It sounded like a good idea, £4.50 fares to the States,” said Bighouse, “But it fell through when engineers decided that it was simply impossible to fit the entire population of Birmingham inside the streamlined hull.”

Concorde regularly passed its MOTs and mechanical check-ups, though doubts as to the precision of such tests were raised when a spot-check revealed three hedgehogs were nestling in the starboard engine. BA was always proud of its record in mechanical upkeep, defending it fiercely, though they did once let slip that “The road tax is a bitch”. “Yeah,” Bighouse told our correspondent, “Road tax. And kerosene! The salesman assured us it did three hundred miles to the gallon. We think he meant three hundred gallons to the mile!”

Without Concorde, I’ll have to rub shoulders with the jumped-up plebs in First Class! Danny D, Pop Star

Many are upset to see Concorde go, including its air crew, rich people and its fuel suppliers. However, it’s not just these obvious beneficiaries who stand to lose out from the loss of BA’s supersonic jet. “I’m buggered without her,” glazier Marvin Wilcox told Passenger, “Once, Concorde accidentally caused its famous ‘sonic boom’ over London, and made me £40,000 re-doing windows!”

However, in spite of protests abound, both airlines running Concorde aircraft plan to withdraw them from service before the year is out, and BA claims that they will eke out the rest of their days as museum pieces. However, Passenger has heard rumours of a Market Pickton resident bidding for parts to make a very fast lawnmower...