Friday, 31 May, 2003, 00:54 BST

Euro Vision: UK Considers Single Currency

Britain is built from Pounds. And fifty pence pieces, tuppences, pennies, five ps, ten ps and twenty pences. Oh, and a two-pound coin!

There has been a nationwide lack of panic this week as the government goes through the motions of rejecting the Euro by inventing its five tests such that the single currency fails them.

The tests have been talked about since the government was elected to a second term, but have not been revealed until this point because it’s taken so long to gauge public opinion and thus whether to make the Euro pass or fail. “Don’t worry!” exclaimed Super-Brown, adding, somewhat cryptically “They don’t call me the Chancellor of the Exchequer for nothing!”

The five tests, he went on to explain, are:

Pride
This test will determine whether or not the British public can cope without their beloved Pound. It will be a sore blow to national pride should the Euro be accepted, and the magnitude of humiliation in being forced to use slightly different round bits of metal is an important factor in decided whether or not to accept the Euro.

Covetousness
To satisfy this test, the Euro must demonstrate that it would make Britain the richest and most successful country in Europe. “If it won’t,” explained Super-Brown, “We’ll bally well be unsuccessful with our own Pound!”

Envy
An important criterion is whether or not, if we lower ourselves to having the same currency as them, we might become jealous of what Europe has that we haven’t. If we get rid of our Pound advantage, will we be able to cope with their variety of cheeses, Swiss chocolates, warm climate, wineries and more relaxed attitude to nudity?

Gluttony
This test is simple: will the British public get fatter on Euros? We don’t want to fall behind our transatlantic obesity rivals!

Sloth
How long can we put it off? This is an essential test for organisations so rich in bureaucracy as the government, because the longer they spend putting it off, the more of the new currency they will have earned by the time it is introduced.

Wrath and Lechery were considered as economic criteria, but were dismissed on the grounds that they had previously been met by two World Wars and cabinet trips to Amsterdam.

The news has delighted in Eurosceptics all of whom are trying to keep as far away as possible from all the subsidies, sensible business strategies and largely similar coinage to be found in the EU.

“I like Pounds, I want to keep my lovely Pounds, I know how Pounds work. One hundred new pennies in a Pound Sterling, dead easy.” When Passenger pointed out that Euros were also ‘dead easy’, being as there are one hundred cents to the Euro, Wilcox changed his tack, “Yeah, but it’s a smelly foreign currency! We British don’t like German sausage, Swiss cheese or French kissing, why should we have crappy continental coinage?!”

The only other argument which our Eurosceptic could provide were “Mass unemployment”, a problem which, when pinned down, he admitted “would be largely restricted to Bureau de Changes”.

Meanwhile in Europe, the natives have grown rapidly accustomed to the Euro, developing hundreds of methods to fleece patriotic British tourists trying to work out the cost of souvenirs in pounds by using their 67.4 times-table. “C’est magnifique,” one Frenchman (who called himself Valery Giscard d’Estaing) told Passenger “Les Anglais est stupide! Baaanh... c’est très bon pour moi!” Asked to speak in English, he willingly translated: “It’s great for my business, all of zese tourists coming and buying my wares. You are an intelligent Englishman, sir, would you care to buy one of my miniature Eiffel Towers? 150 Euros, sir, zat’s about two pounds fifty.”

Though the Eurosceptic Passenger dragged up may sound crazy, it would appear from the government’s determination to make the Euro fail its five tests that most of the nation is thinking like this. “It’s unusual,” explained Super-Brown, “Because usually the government has to forge statistics to make things look better than they actually are!”

Thus it looks as likely as ever that Great Britain will stand back from our continental cousins on ‘decision day’ on June 9th, most probably on ‘economic grounds’ – or rather “Because we ignored the public once already, and now there’s no anthrax in Basra we need a reason for them to vote us back in,” as it was explained by one Prime Minister who wished to remain nameless.