Saturday, 14 June, 2003, 23:36 BST

CD Cabinet Reshuffle

DIY + CDs = SOS

Marvin X. Wilcox, a window cleaner from Westminster, has ensured his place in the history books by re-ordering his music collection this week.

Wilcox denied that his actions had “achieved nothing”, despite criticism from his girlfriend Clare Timkins. “It achieved lots!” Wilcox explained. “It took me three whole days and I didn’t have to wash up once!”

During the changes, Wilcox’s CDs were placed on new shelves and the age-old collection of LPs were kicked upstairs from the cabinet into a box in the attic. This move has delighted Clare, who had long thought the LPs were in too powerful a position. “They used to block the speakers,” she told Passenger’s Westminster correspondent “and he had to melt them to fit into that poxy rack anyway.”

Wilcox’s collection is now sorted in ascending alphabetical order, depending on the size of print in the inlay card and number of tracks per compact disc. “It’s a foolproof system! Say I wanted to play...my Best of Queen album, right? That’s under Q, in the first small print section, and I can just put it in and sing along!” Wilcox boasted, shoving a CD in the player “We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow sub…”

“Oh nuts.” he added.

M. X. Wilcox’s top CDs:

Different Class, Pulp The Wall, Pink Floyd Bat Out of Hell, Meat Loaf Deserters, Oyster Band The Remote Part, Idlewild Think Yourself Virile, Californian Hypnotherapy Association

However, though the system may still be useless, the new cabinet is certainly a sight to behold. “Finest IKEA hardboard!” Passenger was told, as our correspondent was shown the small pile of screwdrivers, tacks, little plastic assembly thingies and broken thumbnails that surrounded the new system. “And it’s got shelves for tapes too! Or it would have, if the picture showing me how to put the shelf in made any sense at all. At the moment it’s got a lean-top shack for the tapes though - which is stylish, right?”

In this respect, Wilcox may even have pacified his girlfriend, who he says is “Almost impossible to please. Oh crap, please don’t tell her I said that...no, come on, I’ll slip you a tenner! No? Alright, then twenty, just write that I said she’s lovely, or something, yeah? Thanks mate, you’ve saved me life.” whom he describes as a “Wonderful girl”.

Clare has been complaining to Wilcox for the past thee months that she has nowhere to store her CDs. Wilcox’s decision to let her was derided by mates; “He’s just going for token girlie CDs to keep her happy,” said one of his friends, “I expect he’ll get a few token ethnic or classical ones next reshuffle, just to satisfy the taxpayer.”

Certainly the LPs were not informed, and nor were we, that Wilcox was intending to abolish one of the great items of living-room furniture! A Greatest Hits of Abba tape. Volume 2.

Timkins appears not to see it that way, however: “Now I’ve a whole shelf for Robbie Williams!” she beamed, “Look, Marvie put it here for me, round the back of the cabinet so they won’t get damaged by the sunlight. Isn’t he sweet?” [Passenger would like to congratulate Mr. Wilcox for this ingenious means of preserving his street-cred - Ed.]

The new cabinet has upset Clare, however, by costing nearly ten times as much as was expected (£370, way above the original estimate of “forty quid”), and taking six hours to put up properly.

Despite criticism from around Westminster, Wilcox seems delighted with his new reshuffle. “It’s more sleek, more modern and more efficient,” he explained, “I’ve got more power now those pesky LPs are gone.” Wilcox is also amazed that news of his historic rearrangement has spread so far, so fast. “I am a bit disappointed by what people seem to think, though,” he confessed, “I heard these couple of MPs the other day, right, and they said ‘Have you seen the cabinet reshuffle? It’s rubbish!’”