Friday, 6 June, 2003, 22:48 BST

Commons Liar: Lies, Damned Lies and WMD

Many Iraqi documents have been looted, making it difficult to find weapons of mass destruction. Apparently.

There was a huge political furore last week, after the USA failed to sneak any Weapons of Mass Destruction into Iraq. A parliamentary enquiry has finally been launched, to delve into exactly who was deceived by whom.

A CIA document written in September leaked last week revealed that there was “no reliable evidence” of weapons in Iraq. The 80-blank-page dossier contained every known chemical, biological and nuclear weapons site in Iraq, a list of countries likely to support the US in its war effort and a complete discography of good songs by Blink 182.

Intelligence services have denied any deception: “We work in the public interest and keep nothing from them,” explained a top MI6 agent who withheld his name under section three of the Official Secrets Act.

Thus, the focus of the enquiry has shifted to the politicians. Tony Blair, the British Prime Suspect, has refused to hold an independent enquiry into the sordid affair, on the grounds that such an enquiry is being demanded by the Tories. “I bet those bloody Tories have something to gain from making me look an idiot by showing me to have been lying! Not forgetting,” he added, “That an enquiry might point out that I’d done something wrong!”

Claire Timkins MP, a Labour Backbencher, admitted that she had only supported Mr. Blair because she believed the tale of Weapons of Mass Destruction, but denied that it was the Prime Suspect who had misled the commons. “I - and a lot of my colleagues on the Government Benches - believed in the weapons because we were misled by the Tories!” she explained, adding, “Think about it. All those times that funny bald man stood at the dispatch box and backed Tony’s belief in the weapons - it was obvious manipulation of the truth. I just assumed the entire party had been spying in Iraq, and that was why they were so out of touch with the UK public.”

As well as politicians, intelligence services came under fire from media flak, with the accusation being made that leading members were ‘rogue forces’ who acted without considering the backlash that would be caused by the realisation they’d been making it up all along. One member of the forces who wished to be named as “Bond, James Bond”, told Passenger there was no truth in the suggestion intelligence reports had been ‘sexed up’ to fool the people, politicians and press. “All our documents are like this,” he vowed, “Very dull. I mean look at this report, section V, paragraph 34ii: ‘Investigations in Iraq showed us ICBMs, huge, phallic and hard, towering above the harem of nubile dancing girls clad in a variety of skimpy lingerie, leather and silk attire’. Then there’s this photograph, see? I mean, how dull can you get?”

Even the UN is against the US and UK action. Dr Hans Blix, lead weapons inspector, declared his opinion: “My job was like searching for a needle in a haystack,” Dr Blix told Passenger, “Assuming, that is, that there isn’t actually a needle in the haystack. The reports aren’t so much ‘sexed-up’ as ‘made up’.”

Though the only damage Saddam’s biological weapons have done has been to the credibility of US and UK leaders, some claim that this whole silly affair was fairly predictable from the start. Or even from before the start; “I saw this coming as soon as Bush was elected,” explained one American, who didn’t even claim to be a clairvoyant or soothsayer, “I knew all along that Bush was acting with poor intelligence.”