Thursday, 26 June, 2003, 19:00 BST

Dear Ethel...

Dear Ethel,
I am having problems involving the technicalitiies of kissing/snogging/french kissing. No matter how many different techniques i use, i keep on making a fool of myself by dribbling down my partners throat. Can you recommend any good kissing techniques to me? Pleease help, preferably before i'm dumped over the internet!
Yours, Slobbery xxx

Dear Slobbery,
The basic strategy is to ensure that you can’t dribble – one solution is not to drink for two and a half days before you kiss your darling, but this can tend to rather spoil the mood if you have to pop out for a quick sixty hours’ dehydration before each snog.
Alternatively, you can simply stuff your gob full of sawdust, which will absorb any moisture you may have in there, leaving you to kiss in peace, and also giving you the rugged, outdoor smell of a trained woodsman.
There are a variety of other things you can stuff in your mouth whilst kissing, actually; I earned the title ‘sweet lips’ through experimentation with sugar in my youth. Other things, like LSD, can give your kissee anything from an exhilarating acid trip to a full-blown near-death experience! Or cyanide delivered orally if you can manage not to swallow any yourself) is the perfect way to dispose of any enemies you are able to seduce. CID never worked that one out!
Yours,

E-mail Ethel!!!!!! (!!)