Thursday, 10 July, 2003, 23:43 BST

One For The Road: New Transport Policy Not Very New Really

The biggest car parks in the UK are shortly to get bigger

The UK Government has committed what many punmeisters are referring to as a ‘U-turn on transport’, deciding to invest billions in the road network.

Alistair Darling, Labour Transport Secretary, claims to have explored all options, even the ridiculous ones, before reaching his conclusions. “We thought about pedestrianisation of motorways, introduction of flying vehicles, we even considered investing in the rail service!” quipped Darling, “But the conclusion we came to was that we had to widen some roads.”

Road charges were also seriously considered, but eventually rejected on the grounds that “road users wouldn’t want to pay them, so they would use the roads less. That’s not solving the congestion crisis, it’s just cheating to make it go away!”

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Congestion charges cause constant commuter complaints

The M25 is currently beset by congestion, with jams backing up to such an extent people may soon become trapped on the motorway for eternity, unable to move on or off. Analysts have already postulated that such an event would lead to the development of a new civilisation on the M25, with houses made from car upholstery, a police force and a fully democratic election system. It is apparently this suggestion which has moved the government to action.

The plans involve spending some seven billion pounds on increasing the width of several large roads and motorways. Roger Bighouse, a civil engineer from Muswell Hill has explained that he is fully behind the scheme. “I worked with the Thatcher government in the 80’s,” he explained, “We spent millions widening the roads then, and the impact on congestion was instantly recognisable. True, it just made jams wider but I made an absolute packet! I mean, my wife and I can afford to drive a different car each day!”

Bighouse was also willing to leak insider information to Passenger, following the recent tradition of public sector workers telling journalists whatever they need to make a story. The information he provided detailed proposals for new motorways to be built across Dartmoor, the Lake District and Iain Duncan-Smith’s constituency.

For the last time, when I say ‘Alistair Darling’, I’m not referring to my Press Secretary! Tony Blair

The schemes main aims are apparently to “increase tourism in National Parks, provide Keswick with a much needed (but never before conceived) Western Relief Road and to bugger the opposition once and for all. Not because we need to, but because it’s fun!”

The plans have, predictably, outraged environmentalists, rail operators and realists, all of whom point out that widening roads isn’t going to stop congestion so much as spread it about. Not that such warnings appear likely to stop the government, which has declared itself determined to go ahead with the controversial scheme. Asked why, Darling impatiently shouted “Because it’s not as damaging as Iraq, foundation hospitals or Alistair Campbell’s writing porn!” before running off to suppress another back-bench rebellion.