Saturday, 09 August, 2003, 21:38 BST

Parents are terrified when doctors explain that this device is necessary to administer the MMR treatment

Drugged Up: Measly Moans and Rebellion Against MMR

Amidst this week’s fears that the sometimes-fatal disease measles could return to affect thousands of children, top Immunologist Dr Francis Bargle has revealed a new alternative to the controversial MMR vaccine.

The immunisation has been shunned my many parents worried that vaccinating their children will run the risk of avoiding dangerous illness.

The announcement comes the week after a judge ordered that two young girls should be protected against measles (and mumps, and rubella) on the grounds that “putting them at risk of death is silly.”

The girls’ parents – both separated from the girls’ fathers, who approve of the MMR jab – did not want to put the girls at a tiny risk of autism, and preferred to put their children at risk of diseases that can disable, disfigure or kill them.

Hoping to put an end to all this madness, Bargle called Passenger as soon as he perfected his new formula, hoping that publicity in a high-class newspaper would give him a greater chance of selling the drug to the NHS. “It makes sense, to have it reported in KTAB,” he triumphantly told our reporter, “because then there’s a chance a real journalist will pick up the story!”

Bargle’s new drug is supposedly able to protect children from infections of anthrax and smallpox, as well as providing immunity to ricin poisoning. It also provides some protection against chickenpox, cowpox, E. coli 0157, the common cold and influenza A. “In fact,” he explained, “Pretty much the only thing it won’t stop is measles, but worrying about that would just be silly!”

Bargle’s ARS(CCECCI) vaccine has been quickly endorsed in the United States of America, being put through a new fast-track testing scheme by the Food and Drugs Administration known as the ‘War On Terror Drugs Authorisation’, on the grounds that the concoction protects against three major terrorist agents; anthrax, smallpox and ricin. “This development will make the American people feel safer in the face of international terrorism,” explained FDA spokesman Marvin Wilcox, “So extensive testing isn’t necessary. If it makes people feel safe, what does it matter how well it works?”

Bargle is optimistic about the chances for his new drug here in the UK. “I’ve just finished my thesis for my D. Phil in Scaremongering,” he chortled, “so I can now send off all sorts of reports saying how dangerous things like MMR immunisations and terrorists are, and then everyone will buy my serum! Tehee!”

Bargle’s soon-to-be Anti-MMR stance has greatly cheered critics of the vaccine. Clare Timkins, who has refused to allow her children to be given the jab, told Passenger “It’s great news that Dr. Bargle’s developed this new drug, it means my children can be protected like everyone else, and don’t need to worry about unfounded MMR scaremongering by scientists trying to promote their own dodgy drugs.”

Bargle is currently making a killing at private clinics, charging £300 a shot for his ARS vaccine, but his high prices have led to several parents asking trading standards to check him out before placing their cash on the table. Bargle is said to be working on a new vaccine, which will hopefully provide him with immunity from prosecution.