Monday, 15 August, 2003, 00:33 GMT

Saddam Hussein: He had nothing to lose but his disguise

Saddam's Close Shave: US Search Party Get One In Hole

Coalition forces today captured and shaved a hobo living in a hole under a farm, who it later turned out was Saddam Hussein.

"We actually went there on a tip off to see if we could get a cup of coffee," explained one US squaddie, "Then Huck here started poking about in a hut and all of a sudden, we were heroes! 's a funny old life, innit?"

Saddam was found in a six-metre-deep 'spider hole' in which Saddam was lying, Charles-II-esque, with only a pistol, two AK-47s and $750,000 for company. "It was probably quite a relief to see some US troops to say 'I surrender' to!" explained Evil Dictator Psychoanalyst Dr Francis Bargle.

"He was probably feeling quite lonely down there with no minions to shout orders at, so he probably spent all his time counting his seven-thousand five-hundred hundred dollar bills and shooting the dartboard with the picture of President Bush on it."

Once pulled from his hole, after being initially confused by US troops for an Arabic Father Christmas, the bearded Saddam was identified by the troops and quickly taken into custody.

The 'spider hole' Saddam was found in

Following a quick medical check-up to make sure Saddam was fit for shearing, the troops shot his beard off with a new CIA weapon in testing, destined for eventual use against Osama Bin-Laden. "Also," explained Paul Bremer, US Civilian Administrator in Baghdad, "After we'd given him a shave, a haircut, a wash and some make-up, he looked a lot more like the man we were trying to capture. Who needs DNA testing when you've got rock-solid evidence like that?"

"We did do a DNA test, obviously, though, I mean, just to be sure." he added.

President Bush made a speech to the US at around 1700 GMT, having been awoken at 0515 local time by an official, giving plenty of time to slowly explain what had happened. The joy he expressed was almost entirely unconfined, and he was evidently relieved that the US public will now, almost certainly, forgive him the deaths of his citizens and give him a second term in office.

Mr Bush has stressed that the capture will not stop attacks on American troops "in the short term," which is unusually astute of him, but most international spectators believe the attacks will stop "By the middle of next year. Or whenever the Yanks pull out".

The wording of Prime Minister Tony Blair's speech was essentially identical to that of Mr Bush's, and in much the same way the British public are expected to forgive some of the casualties, then vote Blair out for the whole WMD shenanigans he took us to war over in the first place.

The Arab world has expressed mixed reactions to the news of the capture, mainly falling into three camps: Some Iraqis have been joyfully celebrating in the streets, whilst some insane activists are cursing the Yanks and demanding Saddam be returned to power. However, the vast majority of people in the Middle East fall into a third category, roughly summed up by "Oh good, very good. Can all you soldiers go home now then, please?"

Since an American trial would be made awkward by Saddam asking the prosecution who armed him in the first place, it is expected that the US will stick the former dictator on trial in Iraq and get him imprisoned for life. "Ace of Spades must now face the justice he denied to millions," said Bush, "Or, if the court finds him innocent, we'll probably lob him in Guantanamo Bay!"