Dear Ethel...
Dear Ethel,
I can’t find my glasses! Please help.
Blind, Essex.
Dear Blind,
They’re in your top pocket, as usual.
Dear Ethel,
No they’re not...
Still blind, Essex.
Dear S.B.,
Under the Radio Times?
Dear Ethel,
Nope.
Still blind, Essex.
Dear S.B.,
Next to the kettle?
Dear Ethel,
Nope.
Still blind, Essex.
Dear S.B.,
How can you type?! They’re on your face!
Dear Ethel,
Oh, yes...silly me!
Senile, Essex.
Why not e-mail Ethel with your woes? |
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The Prime Minister today gave an uncharacteristically worried address to the nation in his New Year address.
“2003, is now completely, inevitable,” said Mr Blair, “And that’s, quite worrying.”
Tony fretted first over the terrible state of international affairs; “My good friend, and ally, President, Bush of the United, States of America, may be doing, a decent enough job, of pretending to try every peaceful alternative to, war, but at the end of the day it won’t, work.”
Tony-baby also worried that our forces were poorly equipped, and might even be unable to communicate, since most of their Orange mobiles are out of credit. “Bloody picture messaging,” he remarked.
Terror!
He was also terrified by threats of terrorism closer to home. “Over three million kilograms of, brightly-coloured high explosives were set off in Britain, on New Year’s Eve, alone,” said Mr B.
Some observers have observed that the PM made plenty of mention of international affairs, but not much of his cock-ups at
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Tony’s Tarot: Bad news on the cards in 2003 according to leading Tabloid pun specialist
home. “My main concern in 2003 is that Labour will still be in power!” said a random bald bloke, presumably a tramp, standing outside Tory Central Office in Smith Square. Senior Labour Party officials deny any lack of representation. “Come on,” said Marvin Wilcox, a spin doctor, “if Tone had listed all of our problems at home, the address would have lasted all year!”
Worldwide!
Across the pond, President Bush’s address was considerably more upbeat. “Mah New Year’s Resolution is to resolve a peaceful resolution to the Korea and Iraq resolutions,” he said, sounding cheerful and optimistic, “Then we’re gonna whoop some Iraqi ass, and nuke those pesky Asian power plants.”
The French First Minister brought a whole new angle to the prospects for 2003, but we didn’t understand a word of it, because he delivered it all in French.
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Calendrical Crises!
People across the world are reaching a state of panic over the dating system for 2003. “Now that 2002 has finished, how can I title my work?” wailed Marvin Wilcox, a popcorn seller from Newcastle.
“I used to put really great dates like ‘November 27th, 2002,’ but how am I to cope now?” he screamed, before attacking our reporters with novelty calendars featuring Robbie Williams and Eminem. Or possibly two garden gnomes,
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it was hard to tell at the time.
Passenger took the problem to dating expert Professor Francis T. Bargle, having a good laugh about his job title on the way. “Well,” he explained, “This is a problem that I've often had - almost annually, in fact! My solution to it is very simple. Just start dating your work ‘22nd February 2002’, or what-not, as normal.”
We asked Bargle about the fact the rest of the world has moved on a year. “No worries,” he said, grinning, “Just
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buy yourself some Tipp-Ex, and every time you see any calendars, diaries, clocks or newspapers, simply erase ‘2003’ and change it to a neatly-biroed ‘2002’ instead!
“No-one will ever realise the year has changed, and you'll live in happiness for another twelve months!”.
Hopefully the whole world will adopt Bargle’s system, changing him from one berk in a million, to a mere one berk amongst six billion.
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