Wednesday 8th January 2003 Issue 4

WEAPONS INSPECTOR
STUBS TOE

Dear Ethel...

Dear Ethel,
I’m an Agony Aunt, and even though it changes colour every week, no-one is writing in to my column! How can I pull in punters with problems and do my bit for society?

Dear Ethel,
Perhaps you ought to get the names of every single one of the people on your mailing list, and make their ungrateful little lives Hell until the thankless bastards tell you a couple of their problems so you can earn a living wage to support yourself and your nine cats.

If you’re not too keen on the sound of that, why not e-mail Ethel with your troubles, fictional or otherwise?

There was outrage in the Pentagon tonight when it emerged that UN Weapons Inspector Professor Francis T. Bargle stubbed his toe during the current operations in Iraq.

Bargle, who is currently continuing his duties, was on his way into a suspect weapons site when he tripped over a small sand dune, and knocked his foot against a rock “about the size of a tennis ball”.

George Bush, the dubiously-elected President of America, was outraged by what he termed (on the third attempt) “blatant obstructificationism” on the part of Saddam Hussein and a prime example of his “evil determination not to be American”.

War!

In the international community, speculation is now rife with the likelihood of a war being quoted as "not a forgone conclusion" by the Home Secretary, and 100-1 on, by every bookmaker in the country.

A source in Portsmouth told Passenger that “The entire British fleet has been deployed for ‘training exercises’ in the Adriatic, with a twelve-month rest break near the Gulf”, and went on to describe the

Iraq don’t have these. America do. They plan to deliver some to Baghdad shortly.

obstruction faced by Bargle as being “Nothing to do with the twenty-eight nuclear submarines currently rushing towards Iraq”.

A spokesman for the Iraqi regime, however, suggested that the warships, tanks and bombers currently massing around the state were a sign of impending war. “Since Professor Bargle banged his toe, I've had to change my trousers twice,” he complained.

No war!

Sources in America are certain there will be no war, however, if Saddam immediately stops obstructing inspectors, relinquishes power and proclaims George Bush sole owner of all their weapons, people and oil. Meanwhile, the word waits for the President to get bored of the pretence of ‘seeking alternatives to war’, and send millions of his own people to the slaughter.

Crackdown hurts business

Marvin X. Wilcox, a drugs dealer from Preston, has launched a one-gang protest against proposed the government's proposed crackdown on gun ownership. “In my line of work guns are essential,” he protested, “I’ve spent many years cultivating a sinister corporate image; I can’t be expected to bump off my rivals with a cheese-grater, can I? The trouble with this Government is that they just don't care about the needs of small business!”

’Ard Marvin Wilcox has sent a petition to his MP, signed by all 150 members of his gang, demanding that he

oppose the crackdown at every turn. The new laws would mean Wilcox, or any of his cronies found with a gun in public could face a minimum five-year gaol term.

“It’s not fair,” Wilcox protested, “I’ve worked for years to drive rivals off my patch and get rid of those who don't respect me, and now the government’s out to destroy all my work! If these laws go through, then my livelihood will be utterly destroyed!”

A government spokesman informed Passenger that the government care very much about small businesses and will re-appraise gun laws in the light of

Mr. Wilcox’s request, suggesting that “It may be possible to exempt drugs-dealers, gang members and leaders of organised crime from the laws, and allow them to carry firearms for the purposes of work. After all,” he concluded, “MI5 get to!”

Whatever the outcome, Marvin is already convinced current police suspicions are harming his firm and driving away customers and is due to take the Lancashire Chief Constable to court next week, on a charge of harassment.

All material, including text and images are © Andrew Steele and John Trevor-Allen 2003, all rights reserved.
It may not be reprinted, redistributed or reproduced in whole or in part without written consent of the copyright holders.