Friday 17th January 2003 Issue 6

UK DECLARES
‘WAR ON STUDENTS’

Dear Ethel...

Dear Ethel,
What should I get my brother for his birthday? He’s a fanatical guitar player, but I’ve got no budget...Any suggestions?
Yours, anon.

Dear anon,
Having ‘no budget’ is a problem often faced by politicians. There are many things you can buy with such a sum; the entire NHS, RailTrack, the Millennium Dome, or even some flats in Dover if you know the right conman. If not, you’ll have to earn some money, by means reputable or otherwise...it’s very lonely being an agony aunt, you know...some might pay good money for some ‘entertainment’...

Ethel x

Q: ??
A: E-mail Ethel

Official reports which a Passenger reporter ‘found’ today revealed that the government is preparing for economic sanctions towards students with no palpable reason whatsoever. It is proposed that students will have to pay extortionate tuition fees after they leave university; presumably the three-year wait is intended to compensate for the threefold debts.

Memo!

The report was an internal memo, and thus contained more swearing and profanities than usual, as well as a number of interesting but potentially libellous scrawls about parliamentary sex romps in the House of Commons. However, it did outline proposals to defer but significantly increase students’ expenses: “We’re not introducing a graduate tax,” said the report, “we just intend to tax graduates.”

Economist Professor Francis T. Bargle, who was once a student himself, said “Obviously in my day there were very few students, and they could be paid for by good old Joe Average Taxpayer. With the government’s plans to get half the population (a full 50%) to university, and thus devalue all degrees, it’s
Some graduates
Soon it won’t just be mortarboards and robes which dog graduate finances.

obvious that the students have to pay through the nose.”

Students are outraged at the proposed taxes, which follow the destruction of the Student Grant, the introduction of Tuition Fees and a sharp increase in housing prices. “We’d be out demonstrating against this,” wailed one student, begging in the street, “But none of us can afford to travel to London!”

Taxes!

If leaked reports are anything to go by, there could soon be ‘toddler tax’, ‘pension tax’ and even ‘death tax’. So, the advice from Passenger is send all your money to their publishing HQ, because the government still haven’t decided upon any random taxes upon those who write crap in their spare time. All donations will be welcome...after all, we’re off to University later this year!
Click to bring your mouse a click closer to wearing out

NASA Probe Down Back

Scientists at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratories were this week putting the finishing touches to a probe designed to explore the farthest regions of uncharted emptiness; the back of the lab sofa.

After the US government introduced heavy funding cuts, the Kuiper Express mission to Pluto had to be abandoned, and this mission took its place. “I don’t think NASA are dumbing down, no, certainly not,” said press officer Marvin Wilcox, “This is one small step for man, a giant seat to look behind.”

We know more about space than we do about our own oceans, and the back of sofas is an area with which mankind is even less

familiar. Preliminary images show old socks, crushed crisps, even what looks like an old book. Excitement is mounting about what other things might be found. “We think remote controls, old magazines and perhaps even some mould, all sorts of exciting things,” said Wilcox, “and I think one of our technicians is rather hoping we might get a sighting of her wedding ring.”

Scientists also hope that the mission may be the turning point for NASA’s floundering finances. “Predictions from our data suggest that there is somewhere between £350 and £400 in coppers back there,” said Wilcox, “And that’s going to more than double what we’ve got in our coffers.”

The mission will blast off at the end of the month if all goes smoothly, and further follow-up missions are already planned for 2004, including a fly-by of the armchair and maybe even a lander to an as-yet-undecided piece of soft furniture.

If the mission achieves its objectives, we should have images of some of the least accessible objects in our Universe. The information collected by this first mission will lead the way for many to follow, perhaps even some international efforts. Some think that the rush to explore sofas will lead to an international Sofa Race; “America is in a good position to win,” said President Bush, “Mah sofa has wheels.”
All material, including text and images are © Andrew Steele and John Trevor-Allen 2003, all rights reserved.
It may not be reprinted, redistributed or reproduced in whole or in part without written consent of the copyright holders.