Wednesday 29th January 2003 Issue 7

CYMRU’S KILLER CAT

Dear Ethel...

Dear Ethel,
There are two Adams Grammer (sic) boys who think they're really smart whom i find rarther anoying... and i was wondering what the best and most effective way to murder and dispose of their bodies would be while apearing to be totally inocent in the event?
Random boy.

Dear Random,
No problem! Simply go to the dark alley behind the Swan at 1am this Thursday, and make some noise. They’ll conclude their business with you in a jiffy, and your worries will be over. Bring no weapons and tell no-one where you’re going. Better yet, tell everyone you’re going away forever! Love & deepest sympathy,

Looking for the quick and easy solution to your problems? E-mail Ethel! Alternatively, see you in that alley, eh?

There has been much alarm generated by sightings of a cat in Llabenoylno, Wales. Following the recent sightings of what is believed to be a puma in other parts of Wales, armed police have stormed the area, taking strategic positions in the foothills of Snowdonia.

Sighting!

The police were called in after a farmer, tending his EU set-aside land, saw what looked like a cat run along the top of the hill. Having run back to his house to collect his shotgun, the farmer cautiously headed for the spot he last saw the cat, only to discover the corpse of a mouse, whose head had been ripped off!

Zoological expert Dr Francis Bargle spoke exclusively to Passenger, and revealed that “This animal, whatever it is, is roughly the size of a household cat, and is obviously capable of killing at will. My advice to anyone seeing this evil being is to run away. Preferably distract it with a sugar mouse, pat it gently on the head and then run a long, long way away.”

Bargle today gave a press conference outlining his theory on the animal. “It was the size of a small dog, or a normal tabby cat,” he said, “but had obviously somehow mutated, giving it the power to kill field mice, rats and perhaps even small birds.”

Panic!

Naturally this has caused a wave of panic to spread

Local lions are not even a bit scared of the malicious moggy

through the region surrounding Llabenoylno, fuelled further by the fact many families living in this area recently received hamsters, guinea pigs, goldfish or other rodents as Christmas presents for their children.

Gerbils!

Housewife Clare Timkins told Passenger of her fears about the discovery; “What would I do if I woke one morning to discover this cat has broken into my house, opened our gerbil cage and murdered Miffy and Tiddlekins?!”

The Government line on the crisis is clear: “Bar your cat-flaps at night,” said a spokesman, “and demand to see the identity card of any ‘Gerbil Inspectors’ arriving at arriving at the door posing as a normal-looking cat called Ratter.”

The search for the ‘Killer Cat of Llabenoylno’ is continuing through the night, with police helicopters and SAS units with night goggles assisting in the search. Meanwhile, the people of the district remain held in their own houses, kept under siege by the felonious feline that stalks their region.

Dog and Owner Reunited

In irritatingly soppy news this week, Marvin X. Wilcox, a pen-pusher from Orpington, was reunited with his dog Lotty, when he returned home from a 6-hour stint at the office.

Wilcox described himself as “Overjoyed” that his faithful follower had waited for him whilst he “Completed his budget predictions for the next month” and slogged home through five traffic jams, four striking fire trucks, three sets of roadworks, two student protest rallies and the M25.

“My day had been rotten,” he complained. “My boss requisitioned my pencil sharpener and budget cuts meant I had to share my office with the photocopier, the tea machine and a work experience kid who kept making paper aeroplanes. During lunch, there was a bomb scare, and the SAS blew up my briefcase in a controlled explosion to ‘check how much C4 they’d need’, and then I lost my sandwich.”

Proof the dogs really are man’s best friend came when Lotty peed on the carpet, leapt into Marvin’s arms and proceeded to drink every one of five glasses of water he poured

himself. “Only a best mate would ever dare do that,” said Marvin, grinning and patting the little scoundrel on the head.

“It really made my day when Big Marv got back home,” Lotty sighed, happily, “And what was even better than my being able to drink a pint of beer, turn on Friends on the TV, and not having to bark for a full half hour, was the fact that me and Marv got back together. It’s made my day, my short-term memory isn’t good enough for me to think we’ll ever part again.”

All material, including text and images are © Andrew Steele and John Trevor-Allen 2003, all rights reserved.
It may not be reprinted, redistributed or reproduced in whole or in part without written consent of the copyright holders.