ARMY IN MIDDLE EAST BORED STIFF

Leading members of the British and US forces being sent to the Gulf were complaining this week about the tedious nature of Bush’s campaign so far. “We’re basically sitting about doing nothing,” said General Bargle of the US Marine Corps, “And I’m bored.”

The US Command Posts are filled with troops, sailors and pilots twiddling their thumbs, attempting cryptic crosswords and playing rudimentary skittles with 200mm shells. “It’s a great problem,” said Bargle, “We’ve really got nothing on the agenda until someone can prove that Saddam has done something.”

The problem is that the Gulf hasn’t got the facilities to entertain 300,000 foreign troops. Its arid, desert-like environment is entirely devoid of cinemas, bars and seedy strip clubs which are normally used by US troops to find entertainment. “I suggested Ibiza,” moaned one soldier, “But no-one ever listens.”

Further evidence of all-encompassing boredom came as our journalists interviewed more troops. “I’ve played so many games of solitaire that I’ve started encountering the same arrangements of cards a second time round,” said one stupefied squaddie.

Strategy!

Meanwhile, the tactic employed by the Bush administration appears to be to bore the Iraqi population into submission. Inside Iraq, there is as constant a deluge of material taking the piss

out of President Bush as there is in news in the West, and the population is getting bored of all this propaganda.

“Mah plan is to bore them to death,” said President Bush, in his usual soporific monotone, “and then we can launch our...sssshhh...surprise attack!” When questioned further, the President seemed convinced that Saddam would not be expecting the assault; “Ah’ve not told anybody,” he said, before shouting an order from the podium to send 40,000 more US troops to Kuwait.

Side-effect!

The unfortunate consequence of Bush’s strategy, of course, is that the rest of the World is subjected to constant, annoying and repetitive news about his idiocy. This has led to terrible falls in world stocks and shares, instability in the Middle East and rather dull satirical publications trying to squeeze every last joke from the continuing situation.

However, if Bush has his way and the ‘surprise attack’ goes ahead, the boredom may not last much longer. Even in something so grave as war, there is always hope.