Sunday 9th February 2003 Issue 9

VIRUS WRITERS ARRESTED

Dear Ethel...

Dear Ethel,
I am having an imbarrising [sic] problem at school. I cant stop think about my head master, and I don’t think he can stop thinking about me. Every time i see him i get this funny feeling in my stomach. Is this wrong? He keeps asking me into his office for a little chat and it always turns into a little slap and tickle. Help!
Thank you, worried.

Dear worried,
Don’t worry, these feelings are perfectly natural. I have exactly the same feelings for your headmaster. What you have to remember is that I’m a 68-year-old Agony Aunt. If you’re not this old, you’re probably some kind of weirdo. Seek counselling!

Get your problems off your chest: E-mail Ethel and force them onto hers.

Three people suspected of writing computer viruses were yesterday arrested and taken for questioning after a long-term tracking operation by the FBI, MI6, CGI and FAB.

The virus-writing group, which calls itself ‘+He \/3rY |\|AugHty HaX0r$’ in the vain hope that having such an appallingly-spelt name will make them look cool, is thought to be behind a computer worm known as ‘The Lurve Bug’, which infects susceptible IIS servers through a security breach in the GF-configuration on port 4458 and is activated when the System Administrator clicks on the suspicious-looking e-mail attachment entitled ‘Click here for free Barry White albums’.

Spread!

The virus was thought to have infected up to three computers at its peak, and web experts say the toll could have been much worse if only the hackers had thought of a way to make the attachment appealing. “Programmers may be able to create dangerous viruses,” said Dr Francis Bargle, chairman of Norty Antivirus, “But they’ve still not mastered e-mails which look plausible. Sadly, this doesn’t seem to stop the general public opening them regardless.”

Catching the hackers required a hefty multinational collaboration, and they are shortly to be

Hackers think that they’re cool, and would like you to think that they
can type this fast.

charged under new laws about technological crime introduced in the UK.

Regret!

The lead hacker, Marvin Wilcox, regrets his decision to leave the computer industry and try to write illegal programs. “I thought writing viruses would get me loads of recognition which I just wasn’t getting as an Apple-Mac repair man,” he whined, “I was wrong.”

However, he is sure that there are better avenues through which one can make their name known in the world of computing. “I should have thought it through,” he lamented, “If I’d wanted to write software which would spread onto every computer on Earth, wanted or not, I should just have joined Microsoft!”

Microsoft spokesmen agreed Wilcox should’ve joined them; “If he had done,” they explained, “He’d be getting paid to destroy people's files with wacky programming faults! But at least he’s been caught,” they concluded. “Now they can leave the computer-breaking to the experts!”

Iraq Will Not Support War

In a surprise move today, Iraqi spokesmen revealed that they will not support a war on Iraq, even if the United Nations passes a second resolution. British public opinion, of course, is against a totally pointless war to give George Bush more oil. Britons would, however support military action if the UN says it’s morally acceptable, and would the USA like to keep up its payments in future.

France, Germany, Russia, China and other countries with an understanding of international politics are firmly convinced that Bush, Blair and their sycophantic supporters have no right to demand Saddam leave power, but did not expect Iraq

to be adding its name to the list of nations against the war.

“We in Iraq are very concerned about developments in the Middle East,” a spokesman stated today. “We do not believe that the case for war has been made. We told the United Nations last week of the inaccuracies in Colynne Powell's speech – it’s simply not true that Saddam's not been co-operating, and war would be totally unjustified!”

Bush tried to brush off the fact yet another nation has objected to his diplomatic style, which some have described as “Gung Ho”, or “Bloody stupid”, on the grounds that “The Iraqis are inherently biased against war”. Bush added that “It’s obvious thaht Iraq will not

support a war on Sahddam. If Unahted States of American troops go to war, there is a slim chance Iraqis will be injured, possibly even coming under fire. We cannot expect support from them. But, of course, we don't care about support, or Iraqis.”

“If America attacks Iraq, I’ll be right in the firing line,” wailed Saddam Hussain, currently in a huge weapons bunker five hundred metres below Baghdad. “I really hope this war doesn't happen!”

Meanwhile, as the USA gears up for conflict, the man on the street remains sceptical. “Give us a quid!” he implored, “Saddam is letting us have anthrax at knock-down prices for ‘self-defence’!”

All material, including text and images are © Andrew Steele and John Trevor-Allen 2003, all rights reserved.
It may not be reprinted, redistributed or reproduced in whole or in part without written consent of the copyright holders.